Madness in Utero

Violence within me...

2010-10-27T06:14:00.000-07:00

It is my understanding that pretty much everyone I know uses facebook in varying frequency.
I dunno about others but, I find myself trying to come up with an interesting status update everyday.
Sometimes I will think of some esoteric things befitting my madness and/or sanity and sometimes whatever I write is fitting to the moment of the writing. Sometimes I will want to write something witty or funny to get some attention. Sometimes I will write about someone or something that this someone has done in order to make him feel bad or good without mentioning his/her name.

Now, I dunno what the hell is wrong with myself these days but a same sentence comes to my mind everyday when I turn my computer on and think about what I am going to write in my status report.

The sentence is...

I am going to kill you. (said in a very similar way of stewie http://www.skippypodar.net/Noise/StewieGriffin/famguy78.wav)

I dont really know why the fuck I am obsessed with this quote what I do know is that there is some form of violence that is seething just below my facade of indifference and i-dont-give-a-fuckery.

Perhaps it is just a sign of my stress that comes with not writing enuf.
Perhaps I am just a violent frustrated retard

Bah!

Signs by Nujabes (lyrics written by Pase Rock)

2010-04-14T03:05:00.000-07:00

Do you want to watch it all fall apart?
Every time I walk, I watch, I look, I notice, I observe.
I read the signs.
And the signs are pointing in the wrong direction.
The signs are not naming the streets or leading me to the highway,
The signs are naming names.
Tombstones to mark the dead of children not even born.And I don't mean abortion,
I mean what is to come.

The signs are telling me to turn back around.
The signs are telling me to to research my past.
The signs are telling me to learn from my mistakes.
The signs are asking me questions: Do you want to watch it all fall apart?
Do you have any control?
Is there anything you can do?

Time is not a nice person, I know because the signs said it.
Time can be generous, but ultimately, time is indifferent.
Time does not give two damns or a fuck.
So what will you do? What will we do . .?

So I'm in the middle of the street, talking to the signs, and people are looking at me, pointing and laughing, like, "This motherfucker's crazy."
But do they not see the signs? Do you not see the signs?
If there is one thing in this world that you can depend on and you can best your last dollar on, it's the ignorance of the American people.
But still I have faith, and still I read the signs.
And they are indeed there.

Some of us are lost and will not find our way, no matter what the signs say.
Some of us do not see the signs because we are too busy shopping.
Some of us do not see the signs because we can't help but stop and look at the accidents, and stare.We are in a daze, we are amazed by the world's displays.
Some of us do not see the signs because we are giving spare change to the homeless.

We are getting gased.
We are volunteering for duty, and we are watching television.
We are driving around in circles on spinners, and we are working 8-6.
We are on our way to the club, we are high, we are drunk, and we are sober.
And we do not see the signs.
We are listening to a moron babble, we are listening to tongues that lie.
We give them and ear, we give them a hand, we give them both eyes.
So we cannot see the signs.

Slow down, children playing in these streets and they cannot read the signs, they are only children.

Stop, . . . stop!

I fear there is no u-turn, and that this road dead-ends.
Because we cannot read the signs.Do you not see the signs?
We must read the signs.
And we must turn around.
We must turn around.
We gotta turn this shit around.

And we gotta read the signs.

Horrors of Blank Page

2009-11-23T15:29:00.000-08:00

[This is a translation of an excerpt from an online post by a manhwa artist Jun Sang-Young a.k.a Jungun - I used masculine pronoun simply for convenience - The original is ungendered. He is currently working on a webtoon called Natural Rhythmical which heavily criticizes the current world bound by systems and have lost their 'natural rhythm'. He is one of the very few comic book artists in Korea who actually write about things that matter in an open medium of the web. He is a brave creator who manage to face the horrors of creation. I repsect him.]

His most recent work (not yet finished): http://cartoon.media.daum.net/series/list/nr3th
His blog:
http://blog.daum.net/djlogic

HE WORK of filling up the empty white page with something fun does not get any easier regardless of how many times and how long one has done it for nor by being talented or skillful.

Despite countless objects has been visualized and all the stories that took form have been told repeatedly over and over again through decades and centuries... and despite countless have suggested countless ways and filled up the galleries and libraries with their exceptional exemplars - When the work of filling up a blank page becomes one's own responsibility and duty it is always difficult and he is always alone...

Because one often find his own way and fills up his own blank paper while copying, imitating, being influenced, being inspired, and respecting those who went before them in facing the abyssal horrors of the blank page...

Some gather in threes or fives from the fear of wondering the desolate barrens by themselves
Some make nest under a great tree, and
Some climb the square and level stairs of establishment...

However, the way one must tread after the preparation period called being an amateur is the world of professionals where no one is there to help you...

Until one stops the work of filling up the blank page, the horror of it is unavoidable
Walking through the horrors of creation is the only way of the creator.

If one resists the compulsion to avoid or flee from this often overwhelming and unendurable horror, and fills up the blank page - all the unamazing objects and all the unspecial stories suddenly become something amazing and special.

And through this way... the creator erects the just skills and clear characteristic unique to himself....

- Jungun

- translation by D.K.

Why?

2009-11-22T03:37:00.000-08:00

HY? I am sure that the title of this post can yield all sorts of answers especially as it does not really have anything verb that follows it. Am I trying to attach smoke, study, work, eat, get drunk, fuck, fight, live? This simplest adverb 'why' has been something that has been plaguing me months back. Although the verb 'plague' may not be too suitable as I do not think of its spontaneous appearance everytime I did anything or worked towards doing anything had a negative influence on me. It is not a symptom of paranoia or depression but rather a chain of self reflection that motivates me.

For example: Why do I study? So I get a degree. Why do I want a degree? So I can get a job. Why do I want a job? So I can do what I want to do. Why do I want to do what I want to do? and so on. It often concludes as either "Because I want to", which is enough to motivate me, or an unanswerable why, which allows me to trace back the steps and see where and how I can change it to the "Because I want to" or ultimately abandon the verb as being pointless - I am never satisfied with "why not?"

Quite often in life 'why' can easily get chained up in the intellectual sloth when you are too focussed in what you are currently doing. I guess it is like that old cliche saying about the tree and forest and some crap. 'Why' was hidden from me for a while as well when I was finishing up my honours until I happened to be present at a meeting where an acquaintance of mine was having a discussion with the people there about starting a news paper business. I was just pitching in on some article ideas and presentation techniques. Then this blog was mentioned. Now most people who even bother to read this blog post will have picked up by this stage what he asked me.

"Why do you write on a blog? You don't even get paid"

Why do I write on this blog? Why do I write at all? When I write for university assignments then the answer can be relatively simple - so I can get a shiny piece of paper that says I am qualified to do whateverthefuck that employers look at to give me a job that has nothing to do with the qualification. But the blog does not really give me anything tangible as a reward - at least I do not think mine does.

For one, it is not for fame or to educate people. I wish I can say something grand like, "I live to write to live" but then I would just be lying. I can say "because I love writing." But then again, it would not be the true truth as I write for a very little time of the day. In fact, I love playing computer games, sleeping, talking shit with mates infinitely more than just writing. I simply spend far more time doing those activities than any forms of writing to say I 'love' writing.

So why do I write, albeit rarely, for something that does not seem to reward me. My answer to why 'I' write is because I need to expel the shit in my head in one form of another. Anyone who knows me can testify that I am an incredibly talkative person. I think writing works along the same line. When I get enuf crap in my brain I need to shit it out. Whether these crap are considered gold or the most foul thing in the face of the planet, it is of no concern to me, although the gold comment would still please me in a perverted way. :P It is just like a simple biological process. Whether I am talking 'shit' with my friends or writing on the blog or writing my thesis, it is all me spewing forth the diarrhea or the constipated rock. (you can guess which is which)

Obviously, I am not a romantic. I do not write or talk like one. My writing in a word is excretion. :D

- D.K.

Queensland Experience: Part 2. Gold Coast

2009-11-18T03:50:00.000-08:00

HE GOLD COAST was actually the worst holiday I have ever had in my life... and trust me, I've been to a few different countries who one would not even think of going as a 'holiday destination'. The experience I had in Gold Coast was worse than travelling by foot from the borders of Thailand and Cambodia to Ancor Wat, without a vaccine shot and tailed by a swarm of begging children.

I can say that the Hotel was stunning with a nice pool and room service and double bed and huge deck... but that was tragically the best part of the trip. The people were so dry... drier than the air. The racism was the only thing in the air, replacing moisture; palpable, it was disgusting.

There were shit loads of intensely hot bimbo girls who were always with Neanderthalian brutes who pronounced Vibe, veeeeeeeb. (with a typical Oz accend akin to finger nails on a black board) So, as an Asian who is not considered buff even in Tanzania, the place was just not cool.

Normally, when your eyes meet with some stranger at a bar/club or a restaurant or in middle of a street, I was accostomed to a 'hey' or a slight chin-up.. but at GC, people would instantly turn away from me and sometimes even make a face that said: "wtf is that skinny Asian guy looking at me for." Noone sat near me when the seats were obviously the only free ones in near vicinity.

Now, this might be the minority paranoia by a someone who lived in New Zealand for last 16 years with more 'white' friends than any other 'colours' and who also enjoys race jokes over most other ones. Yes.... But to prove my point, I was at Gold Coast with a good 'white' friend of mine, and it was him, not me, who first spoke about the racism there.
It was him who said that the racism is intense on me and that he felt sorry for me; I was just trying to chill despite all the pains.
It was him who witnessed the dramatic change of treatment he received when he was not with me.

I was kicked out of a club by bouncers for stealing drinks all night when I did not. I almost got into a fight with a 5 feet tall, but buff, gribble who cut in front of me. I had to smile and say "Do you want me to kill you?" at a bathroom when a neanderthal, different occasion from the 5 feet gribble, who blatantly told me "WTF you doing here Chink?" for accidently bumping his shoulder. (The threat worked very well) On the last night there, when I was just too sick of everything, I was pushed by yet another neanderthal for 'looking' at his whore of a girlfriend. I broke the beer bottle that I had and told him to fuck off unless he wants to see his own entrails....

I do not like fights. I have not got into a fight in years... I do not want to go back to the years when I used to be a crazy psycho who actually enjoyed fighting... But I was very close to just snapping there...

However, the most disgusting thing that I witnessed was not the racism towards me by the white Australians. But by other Asian girls... They were repulsive, not in a physical way, in fact, they were absolultely gorgeous. The Asian girls were blatantly only going for the buff white men there too and actually ignoring or making a disgusting face towards other Asian males. (I was not hitting on them at all as I was just laxing at the time)

I am reminded of yet another amusing event. I was just talking to a group of Asian tourists at a club, who were obviously Japanese both physically and from accents, who told me that they were Korean.... and as I progressed to talk to them in Korean, surprised at my failure of distinguishing different Far East Asians, they revealed that they were Japanese... WTF is up with that? Dont fucking pretend to be a different ethnicity who your grandparents commited genocide on when you are trying to be an underaged whore.

Of course, there were few good people that we met at Gold Coast (none of them were from Queensland) and I give them the most precious credit for being able to be nice and friendly despite the atmosphere of discontent.

I will never return to Gold Coast in my life unless I absolutely need to, which I highly doubt as the population there seem quite dim. Queensland Experience was ultimately a disaster, as there was nothing that could outweigh the excruciating pain of Gold Coast.... The conference, sadly lost its lustre with its vicinity to the black hole.

But hey, I am an happy optimistic person, and although the experience was foul, I must say it was an eye opener. It also entertained me for a long time thinking about it and why such circumstances were unavoidable. It was all interesting... *holds chin*. Sort of like watching two girls and a cup, disgusting but mezmerizing lol.

I would like to think I have reached inner peace, golconda if you will. I have resisted the temptations of violence, to a cirtain extent. I am not depressed about the experience but happy that its over and I learned something out of it - Don't go to Gold Coast :P

- D.K.

Queensland Experience: Part 1. Brisbane Conference

2009-11-18T02:58:00.000-08:00

IRST THING that I felt when I landed in Brisbane, Australia on early September was how aggrevatingly dry the place was. I did not really feel the often common feeling of freedom getting out of a flying metal confinement as I am used to an eleven hour flight to and from Korea. Yes... the place was... dry...

Overall, Brisbane was good. The purpose of my visit, the WIP conference, was a relative success. It allowed me to think through my project which I worked with Dr. Tracy Adams in the first semester and gave me a good idea on which part of it was solid and therefore worth talking about in the seminar. Although the paper I presented was not exactly a WIP, it was something that was to become a building block for three of my other essays as well as my dissertation. The theory template for considering 'heroes' that I constructed plajurising a few different well known theorists was so badass, that I just had to use it for so many papers and I believe will be using for my MA thesis.

Anyway, back to Queensland... OK. the conference was good for me to get my thoughts together, and ofcourse, meeting new people who were pontentially going to be on a similar career path as I am and therefore 'useful' without any disrespect to their personalities. Many people whom I met there were genuinely good people who are passionate about what they do and are able to appreciate what others did, despite its irrelavence to their own actual interests.

Brisbane campus was absoultely stunning. The Great Court which is surrounded by an arts building that is unimaginably larger and grander than the one at Auckland. They had weird Australian wildlife like bush turkeys that looked quite tasty tbh, and random lizard things, and ofcourse the crows.. the birds of the otherworld hehe. It was something that could easily tempt many to consider attending that school. Although, I probably never will as Auckland is infinitely better in terms of teaching staff and resources that matter... mohoihoi.

The city itself was totally different from Auckland. I am used to seeing the sea for the majority of my day. Brisbane, of course, is not a port city. But it has a snaky river which splits the city into three eggs and there is a ferry that runs through the river. This was something that I found quite cool. Riding a boat up and down the river as a major means of transport was something I was never used to and was therefore entertaining. Although the city was not near a sea, the people of the city seemed well equipped for watery lifestyle :D

The night at the central city was peaceful even on the weekened when I was out. It was not too crowded and streets seemed wider perhaps from the benefit of abundance continental land. The central city being wrapped around by a river created a very different look from Auckland or Seoul.

The people at the conference and Brisbane whom I dealt with were really nice and professional, but at the same time easy-going and relaxed and most of all open minded. They did not prepare me at all for Gold Coast.... where I expected similar or better experience but with more booze, the ultimate social lubricant.....

- D.K.

The Time is Nigh !!!!!

2009-11-18T02:24:00.000-08:00

T HAS BEEN a while since I last checked up on this blog. The fact that I fiddled with it for little over a week, then took a break for almost 6 months is quite amusing to me.

Now.. what have I been up to that is so epic that has stopped me from pinning my consciouness onto the Series of Tubes that is Madness in Utero.
For one, I finished my Honours in English!!! I am surprised at how easy it was but at the same time how excruciatingly painful it was both physically and psychologically. It was weird... On one hand, it was not nearly as hard as I expected when I first got into it as all the word counts for the essays were the same as stage three. But on the other hand, it stressed me to an epic proportion that shocks me to think that I made it through this year without any permanent damage to my delicate circuit system. (the damage has not manifested to my knowledge, hopefully I wont randomly get the blue screen of critical doom in my field of vision...)

Ultimately, the year, especially the last six months flew by. Some people feel all anxious when they feel that the time flew by, but I am very happy about it. The time was not 'lost'. It is a sign that I was actually busy and did something - and I have an incredibly expensive piece of vellum to prove it. I am one step closer to juxtaposing myself onto the future image of me.

Basically, the whole year has been an academic journey. The most exciting thing that I did was going to the WIP conference in Brisbane which did not end up being all that productive other than to network. (which in itself made it worthwhile) - This event alone is something that deserves a thread of its own so I shall not go further with this.. The worst thing that happened to me was getting unsatisfactory grades for my papers coz the marker just did not understand my super amazing tech of criticizing authorial intent - which in itself prevented me from complaining that the marker 'misunderstood my tech'. booohooo

All in all, this thread is me saying that overall the year was good!!! My life is good!!! and I want to enjoy the holidays of mind and this awareness of my own blessings before the Masters next year. It is one of those happinesses that I can only see in the liminal spaces between each stages.

The Time is Nigh for me to go fucking crazy! Let my consciousness spread and sag like a jellyfish on a beach.

The Time is Nigh for me to relax my brain and wallow in my own blithe state of mind.

The Time is Nigh for me to resurrect this blog!

The pleasures of being able to write with nooone being able to criticize it with a phat Alphabet with a + or a -, and the previledge of being able to say whatever the fuck I want to say with no formal structure is just totally awsometown!

The time is Nigh for me to relaaaaaaaaax.

- D.K.

Star Trek: Vato in Space!

2009-05-27T03:20:00.000-07:00

EFORE I start saying anything about the new Star Trek (2009), I must admit that I am not a Trekkie: In fact I have not seen a single episode of the Shatner Trek in full. Perhaps this qualifies me to review the film in itself without bias... perhaps I will get lazered by cosplayed StarTrek fiends.

Best thing about the movie for me was the detail in individual characterization. As I have stated earlier, I have not seen the original series but the new casts for the crew seemed to work very well and definitely had enough similarities to the original cast of the series for even a non-Trekkie like myself. By effortlessly linking the characters into the older tradition, character development for individual characters were smooth despite 'introducing' almost ten characters - Something X-men series can learn from..(stick with main character and dont just give lip services to 'peripheral' heroes for no reason!!)

One of the reason I decided to watch it was for the new Spock brilliantly played by Zachary Quinto, better known as Sylar!!! Throughout the film, whenever Spock pinned someone down - especially in a little brawl with Kirk - I was anticipating a Sylar's signature skullcap removal... As Sylar and Spock are not too different of a character both lacking in 'visible' emotion, this was totally super fantastic. Ofcourse the cameo by the Leonard Nimoy was just awsome. Apparently Shatner was offered a cameo as well but his ego got in the way of great fun!

Pretty much every one of the major crew was played by recognizable but not super actors which made the film very... homely - reminiscent of the star trek television series.

Sulu, played by John Cho or Harold!, joins the attack of the drill because he was trained in hand to hand combat fitting an Asian... but we find out he is trained at 'fencing'... When the fight breaks out, however, he pulls out a prog. sword (EVA fans say YAAAYA!!) deceptively shaped like a katana!!! I simply lol'ed

More interesting thing about ethicities is that one might have noticed that there are not a single hispanic in the main crew!! I guess the green girl with red hair might be a Brazillian like Blanka.. But anyway where are the hispanics!? They are the Romulans!!

Other than Romulans being the Dark Elves of Space, the only surviving Romulans all seem to be hispanic gangsters doing manual labour at the mines... interesting.... Give them a bandana and a machete and we have a vato!

Captain Nero from Star Trek

Chico from Crank 2 (also a fun movie)

Another additional information about the Romulans in this film is that their mining vessel that travelled through time and space is called Narada. Narada was a divine sage from Hindu tradition with ability to travel to distant worlds or planets.... hmmm... their identity is getting pretty shady..

- D.K.

Homicidal Crying Wet Overweight Topless Retard

2009-05-26T06:01:00.000-07:00

HIS MORNING I woke up in the middle of a dream and the title of this post is what sums up the damn thing.

I tend to dream in free indirect discourse and therefore what I see and notice in my dreams are quite fluid. I am not sure if lucid dreams are supposed to be common but it happens to me all the damn time - it's actually not that cool if you actually experience it. My lucid dreams play out somewhat like roleplaying video games like Final Fantasy series where I am essentially getting rail roaded through dialogue and introduction and the character that I have the vision of suddenly becomes under my control...

No, I was not the homicidal crying wet overweight topless retard but I was the one who almost got killed by him with a shard of broken plate in a bathtub. The man that I happened to be controlling in that particular discourse just seemed like a cynical dude who just didnt give a fuck about everyone else dying until it was his turn.

Now. I have no idea where in Babylon this dream came from!!! I mean it can be multiple fragments of memory and thoughts that got cemented back together at random or some unconscious design... Mayb it is a sign or some prophetic insight!

Anyway, it was just plain weird.. Getting woken up in middle of a dream is a never a good thing in my opinion whether it is just as the door to my private harem opens or as I was wrestling a homicidal wet overweight topless retard in a bathtub of shattered ceramic plates!

- D. K.

Death of the Day

2009-05-23T03:17:00.000-07:00

T IS UNFORTUNATE the first post other than the disclaimer happened to be about death, and by death I dont mean it in some philosophical or romantic bullshit but actual death of a real person.

This morning Roh Moo-Hyun died.
To those of you who does not know him he is the former president of Republic of Korea.

Now I did not know him nor did I vote for him (not that I voted for anyone as I was not there).
I was not even his supporter and I admit that his image constructed by the media was something I ridiculed and scoffed at.

The thing is that, he did not die of natural cause or assasination but is said to have committed suicide.

This is where I want to say something about his death or the media's treatment of him both during and after his term and about his death.
Honestly, I am not a politician nor do I follow Korean politics with fascination, but I know that the man was under ridiculous amount of criticism from day 1. His presidency almost got taken away from him essentially because he 'retardedly' challenged the rich people and other powerful politicians. In other words, from what I can tell, he was a good person but a bad politician.

Now, I am not trying to have a political self discussion but what is really retarded is that the media does not stop. People absolutely hated him and ridiculed him based on what the media told us. Now the people are trying to ridicule him more as a 'national disgrace' for committing suicide.

I think we should focus more on the what the fuck is really going on rather than playing with the bait thrown to us by the media - we are making countless comments about whether it was an accident he fell off the cliff or he jumped. We are arguing over the word used in the article [서거 or 죽음] which both means death!!

I mean everyone will forget about this thing in about a week anyway, at least throw the man a fuckin' bone now that we killed him. I think playing with his mangled remains thrown to us by the media is appropriate. Try thinking and jumping out of the pool of media manipulation for at least a little while. How many of us really knew him - I mean 'him' not the image of him...

Roh Moo-Hyun(1946/08/06~2009/05/23)

- D. K.

Madness in Utero

2009-05-22T22:57:00.000-07:00

'IGHT! I thought it was about time that I had a blog in English language! Share my troubled stream of consciousness springing from my ever so slightly perverted brain.

Just a disclaimer about the title of the Blog "Madness in Utero":
Just happened to be reading the Malkavian Book while listening to Nirvana's 1993 album In Utero. In other words, I would not recommend trying to figure out what it could mean despite how super fantastically awsome it sounds.

Of course, one is welcome to do a Freudian reading of it but I hope you are prepared to subconsciously murder your father and have sex with your mother though. :D

I was listning to this:

While reading this:

- D. K.